holy sh** i’m going to be enlightened

I realized this today. I. Am. Going. To. Be. Enlightened. Like, in this life. Like, soon. Holy shit. And for those of you that think that comment is blasphemous, well it’s not. Because everything’s holy. Including sh**.

This took me by surprise, because you may find this hard to believe, but this was never a goal. I have not been doing all of these things, to get to THAT place. The trips, teaching, yoga, stillness, ecstatic insanity, green juice, loving with abandon has all just been kinda fox-trotting me along automatically. Feeling better and better and better, and fabulous, and unstoppable and totally stress free… and knowing my body? I don’t want to get too brag-y, so, anyway, you get my point… why stop? If you’re happy and you know it—keep following the happy.

I say this here not because enlightenment is some huge amazing thing for me, quite the opposite in fact, as it stands “me” will no longer exist, but it is a HUGE amazing thing for all of us, because if this snarky, bossy, prissy, fruitcake of a tiny firecracker known as “mags” can become enlightened, then you, my fine friend, you who (trust me) has probably not seen or gotten into a fraction of the shenannigins I have tangoed with in this short life, well then you are so most definitely on that choo choo train as well.

One morning this week I woke up, my visage swollen painfully shut with goo. 12 hours later, then the next day, then three days later, the goo still oozed, its pain throbbing through my swollen glands of red poof, hereto previously known as eyelids. I haven't seen “Black Swan” because I'm too much of a baby, but right now I feel like that creepy part in the preview where Natalie Portman has blood red eyeballs and pulls a black feather out of her back. If this is transformation, my swan damn well better be white. Or purple. And I’d like a pond please. This is what it feels like, like some sticky, painful slime of cocooning and rebirth.

Here's the thing-- it's not pink eye, it's awakening into enlightenment, into oneness with all that is.

Hear me out.

The same exact thing happened last month in Chicago after a super powerful meditative process that was on the night of the full moon eclipse and the winter solstice. (Those are each, in their own right, weird energetic thingamabobs, and together, well they make for madcap woo bedfellows.) During the meditation I went into some pretty awesome states previously unknown to me without help of outside substances and shamans or college boyfriends close at hand. The next morning I awoke eye swollen shut. Like Rocky Balboa, post fight. For reals.

I instinctually thought it had something to do with processing energy, but it hurt like crazy and I wondered if it might be an allergic reaction, so I went to the doctor with my mom. (Um, thank goodness I was at her house. Going to find an eye doctor blindly in Manhattan lookin’ all totes McGross may have been too painful to bear. Seeing as though I’m not enlightened yet, my ego may have in fact prevented such a healing endeavor.)

Chi-city doctor told me: not pink eye. Something viral. All I could do is warm compresses and Advil for pain. I don’t get sick. Something else was up.

The current week’s malady happened also the day after full moon, also after a weekend of woo extreme. Coincidence? You know I don’t believe in that word.

Here's the thing-- in the last six months I've had eye irritation come up with any kind of higher consciousness processing juju stuff. Whether I was learning or teaching, in India, in the Flatiron district, my eye would start to get all wonk-sters and there was the instinctual knowing—this is not dust, or a saggy eyelash, this is processing. Up until last month they were small little irritations, redness, enough to make me chuck the pair of contacts I was wearing. This, though, this elephant-man-like swollen scariness, was new business.

“You Can Heal Your Life” Louise Hay’s classic, find-the-root-cause-of your-symptom bible is a go-to text for my any and every health ailment. Hay looks at the human body from a whole perspective and postulates (as many do) that negative emotions can generate disease. She designates eye problems as: not wanting to see something in your own life.

I also lost, not one, but three pairs of very (OUCH) expensive sunglasses, that I have had for years, all in the last month. Two in Chicago. One in LA. No one can find them. Clearly the world wants to squeegee the gunk away, lifting Maya’s veil of illusion from my eyes, once and for all.

I’ve spoken before about how infiltrating our little nervous systems with onslaughts of energy can bring an unfamiliar recalibration process. I have the eye thing. A girlfriend of mine can’t hold anything down. Others are overcome with narcolepsy or insomnia.

I don’t want to frighten you. Obviously these side-effects are for the hard core. My point in bringing this up is that more important than the Rocky Balboa gross-ness that kept me confined to my West Village studio for a solid five days, I got a knowing: this is happening. This is really happening.

That’s really great Margaret, so super happy for you, but seriously what the frick does that have to do with me and my enlightenment?

Ok, everything is picking up. It’s getting faster. There are quantum leaps happening and this can be disorienting. Jobs, relationships, physical ailments/changes, are all part of it. I have yet to meet one person who tells me that 2010 was smooth as molasses.

You may be dubious because you’re not feeling it yet. It’s coming. Was there a shift in your life between November of last year and now? Look back at those months and think on it. I know there was for mine.

The next shift is February 11th of this year through October 27th. Then it’s rockin’ until December 2012 time.

During this time we are going to see average people awakening into enlightenment. I can say this because I see it happening around me. This is not some weird, woo, far off thing. This is happening NOW.

Hold the phone: Within 20 years, all of humanity will be living in an awakened state.

And this is not a state of other-worldliness-- it is a place where our eyes are collectively opened to the true reality of the present moment. We are getting out of our own way, for good.

Sounds nice right? Do you have any idea how f***ing fortunate we are to be living right now!?

But what about the birds in Arkansas and the markets and Sarah Palin and “Jersey Shore??”

What about my business and my husband and my career and my sick mom?

What if all of this isn’t true and nothing happens and a spotlight is shined on the wack-job-i-ness that you are?

1- I can’t speak to every topical reference in one blog post
2- I’m not saying there isn’t work to get to that place, but I will say, it’s gonna happen anyway, and you aren’t gonna have to go all Rocky Balboa, so don’t worry
3- Well, maybe I am a wackjob. We’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?

So what does this all mean? It means a declutching of the ropes of conditioning from our minds so that we have TOTAL FREEDOM. We don’t lose our minds, we lose attachments to all of those things that are holding us back from optimal use of them. You know that oft-mentioned 90% of the mind we never use? We’re gonna start using it.

It means effortless ease, always.

It means worry no longer happens. Imagine that—NO MORE STRESS, ever… what?

It means things like fighting, wars, cease to exist. Personal responsibility, from our finances to our feelings, takes a front seat. Power gets a facelift as our global societal values undergo a gut renovation to an interconnected eco-luxe status: quality, simple, elegant, soulful, collaborative. Gut renovations can be messy, but the finished product always looks fab.

Peace, love, compassion: welcome.

People have been talking about this coming right now for thousands of years; it’s not breaking news. But since it’s like, ya know, the most miraculous incredible thing to happen to humanity ever, I thought I’d give you my current experience of it.

Um, Mags, I hate to break it to you… you’re not turning into Buddha, you have the flu. Let’s rewind on the crackpot Pollyanna a coupla chapters and instill some rationale back into you. Please leave your apartment and go out into the city streets so that you can get a dose of cold, hard, urban reality.

Ok, you can be all curmudgeon-y and whatevs. I’m not asking you to believe me. I’m asking you to check it out. To open to the possibility. Let’s pay attention. The closer we look, the sooner it happens. 2012: the apocalypse or the rebirth? Your choice. YOU get to choose how to look at it. And the closer we look, the less likelihood that the world is gonna yank those Jimmy Choo sunglasses away from us. The less likely we'll get punched in the face by awakening. We can choose to be on board with the worldwide gut reno. Are you ready for your makeover?